What Kind of Relationship Do You Want With Your Aging Parent If They Never Change?

If you are supporting an aging parent, there is a good chance you have spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to get them to change. 

How do I get Mom to accept help?

How do I get Dad to stop driving?

How do I get them to listen to the doctor?

How do I make them understand why I am worried?

How do I get them to stop arguing with me about everything?

And underneath all of those questions is often another thought:

If they would just change, this would all be so much easier.

Maybe it would.

But there is also a possibility we don’t talk about nearly enough.

Your parent may not change.

They may continue making choices you disagree with.

They may continue resisting help.

They may remain frightened, stubborn, repetitive, controlling, or difficult.

Their memory may worsen.

Their health may continue to decline.

And if your ability to feel okay depends on your parent becoming different, you may spend years waiting for something that never happens.

That is an exhausting way to live.

Loving Your Parent Does Not Automatically Mean You Know How to Support Them Through Aging

Most adult children love their parents.

But loving someone and knowing how to support them through aging are not the same thing.

You can love your parent deeply and still react from fear.

You can love them deeply and become controlling when you are scared.

You can love them deeply and speak to them in ways that unintentionally create more resistance.

You can love them deeply and still believe that if they would just cooperate, listen, accept help, or stop being so difficult, then you could finally relax.

None of that means you are a bad son or daughter.

It means you are navigating one of the most emotionally complicated relationship changes of your life.

And most of us were never taught how to do it.

You Cannot Control Your Parent, But You Have More Influence Than You Think

There is an important difference between control and influence.

You may not be able to control your parent’s decisions.

You may not be able to control whether they accept help.

You may not be able to control their personality, their memory loss, their fear, or the progression of an illness.

But you do have influence over the way you show up.

You have influence over the way you enter a conversation.

The assumptions you make before your parent even speaks.

The meaning you attach to their words.

The way you respond when they resist you.

The way you handle guilt.

The way you set a boundary.

The way you respond to fear.

And perhaps most importantly, you have influence over what you do with the constant commentary running through your own mind.

Thoughts like:

This shouldn’t be happening.

I can’t do this.

They’re making me crazy.

I have to fix this.

I know what’s best.

Those thoughts do not stay neatly inside your head.

They become your tone.

Your facial expression.

Your urgency.

Your frustration.

Your correcting.

Your pushing.

Your withdrawing.

And then your parent responds to that.

Before long, both of you can become caught in the same painful loop.

The Question That Changes Everything

At some point, there is another question worth asking.

Not:

How do I get my parent to change?

But:

Who do I want to be, and what kind of relationship do I want to have with my parent, even if they never change?

Sit with that for a moment.

Because it is a very different question.

It moves you away from waiting for your parent to become easier before you can feel calmer.

It moves you away from believing your relationship can only improve if they change first.

And it brings your attention back to the part of this experience where you actually have some power.

You.

What Do You Want This Relationship to Feel Like?

Maybe you want less fighting.

Maybe you want more tenderness.

Maybe you want to be able to set a boundary without carrying guilt for three days afterward.

Maybe you want to stop correcting every little thing.

Maybe you want to be able to hear your parent’s fear underneath what looks like stubbornness.

Maybe you want to stop leaving every conversation frustrated with them and disappointed in yourself.

Maybe you simply want to know that when this chapter is over, you did not spend the whole thing locked in battle.

That does not mean becoming passive.

It does not mean letting your parent do anything they want.

It does not mean ignoring dementia, unsafe behavior, financial problems, medical concerns, or abuse.

And it certainly does not mean doing everything yourself.

It means becoming intentional about the relationship you are creating while all of those realities are happening.

Your Parent Is Experiencing You Too

When we are worried about an aging parent, it is easy to focus entirely on what they are doing.

What they are refusing.

What they forgot.

What they said.

What they should be doing differently.

But your parent is also having an experience of you.

They experience your tone.

Your patience.

Your frustration.

Your fear.

Your urgency.

Your presence.

Your ability to listen.

Your ability to see the frightened human being underneath behavior that may be driving you crazy.

That does not mean every interaction will suddenly become peaceful.

Sometimes your parent will still be angry.

Sometimes you will still lose your patience.

Sometimes conversations will go badly.

This is not about becoming perfect.

It is about becoming more intentional.

One Day, This Chapter Will End

There is a limited amount of time you will have with your parent.

That is not meant to frighten you.

It is simply true.

And when this chapter eventually ends, you probably will not be grading yourself on whether every appointment went perfectly or whether you found the perfect care plan.

You will remember the relationship.

You will remember the conversations.

You will remember the moments you stayed connected.

The moments you repaired things after they went badly.

The times you showed up in a way you were proud of.

And yes, probably some moments you wish you could do over.

That is part of being human.

But you can start making more conscious choices now.

You can learn how to communicate when fear is in the room.

You can learn how to support without automatically rescuing.

You can learn how to create boundaries without turning them into punishment.

You can learn how to recognize when your thoughts are making an already difficult situation even harder.

And you can learn how to create more peace even when your parent’s circumstances remain difficult.

Your Parent May Never Become Easier

That may be one of the hardest truths in aging parent care.

But there is freedom in it too.

Because once you stop waiting for your parent to become different before you allow yourself to become different, something opens up.

Your parent may never become easier.

Your circumstances may not become easier either.

But you can become extraordinarily good at this.

You can become steadier.

More intentional.

More skillful.

More compassionate.

More boundaried.

More connected.

And perhaps most importantly, you can become someone you are proud of while this chapter is happening.

Ready to Rethink the Way You Support Your Aging Parent?

Most support for adult children focuses on what needs to happen around your parent:

the doctors, the care, the housing, the finances, the safety.

All of that matters.

But almost nobody teaches you what needs to happen inside you while all of that is going on.

If you are ready to stop trying to control what you cannot control and start learning how to navigate this chapter differently, I created a free video for you:

Rethinking How We Support Aging Parents

In it, I’ll show you the piece of aging parent support that is so often overlooked, and why you can be doing everything “right” and still feel overwhelmed, reactive, or miserable.

WATCH RETHINKING HOW WE SUPPORT AGING PARENTS