You Can’t Prevent Every Problem With Your Aging Parent

Supporting an aging parent can sometimes feel like trying to keep water inside an old jug that keeps springing leaks.

One hole appears, so you put your finger over it.

Problem solved.

Then another hole appears somewhere else.

You cover that one.

And just when you think you have everything under control, another one appears beyond your reach.

That's aging.

Your mom starts having trouble managing her medications, so you find a solution.

Then you begin wondering whether she should still be driving.

You deal with the driving, and now she's not eating well.

You arrange meal delivery, and she doesn't want it.

Then there's a fall. A hospitalization. A financial concern. A change in mobility. A new need for help around the house.

You solve one problem, and eventually something else changes.

Because the jug is aging.

The Temptation to Get Ahead of Aging

I recently received a comment on one of my videos about dignity of risk.

I was talking about allowing competent aging parents to continue making their own decisions, even when those decisions aren't necessarily the ones we would make for them.

Someone commented that if they allow their parent to make their own choices, those choices can ultimately create more work for them.

And you know what?

They're right.

Sometimes respecting your parent's autonomy does create more work for you.

Maybe your dad insists on doing something himself and you eventually have to clean up the mess.

Maybe your mom refuses something that could have made life easier.

Maybe your parent makes a choice today that creates a problem you'll be helping them deal with six months from now.

That's possible.

And I don't think it helps adult children when we pretend otherwise.

But there's another side of this that we don't talk about nearly enough.

The Alternative Isn't Necessarily Less Work

When we can see a problem coming, it's incredibly tempting to think:

If Mom would just listen to me.

If Dad would just accept the help.

If they would let me handle this.

If I could just get ahead of all of this.

Then maybe things would finally settle down.

But that's where we can begin trying to accomplish something that simply isn't possible.

We start trying to prevent aging itself.

You could make every decision for your parent and they would still age.

You could convince them to accept every service you recommend and something else would eventually change.

You could organize everything beautifully, anticipate every need and make every "right" decision, and another hole could still appear.

That doesn't mean planning is pointless.

It doesn't mean you shouldn't put support in place.

It means there is a difference between responding thoughtfully to the problems aging presents and trying to control your parent so those problems never happen.

When Helping Slowly Becomes Controlling

This is where things can get especially difficult in the relationship between an aging parent and their adult child.

You see a risk.

Your parent sees a choice.

You see what could happen six months from now.

Your parent sees the life they're living today.

And because you love them—and because you may ultimately be the person dealing with the consequences—it's very easy for concern to slowly turn into control.

You push.

You convince.

You remind.

You correct.

You argue.

You take over.

Sometimes intervention is absolutely necessary.

If your parent is experiencing cognitive decline or cannot safely make a particular decision, that's a different situation. Legitimate safety concerns need to be addressed.

But a competent adult doesn't lose the right to make their own choices simply because they've gotten older.

They are still allowed to make decisions you disagree with.

They're even allowed to make some bad decisions.

So are you.

So am I.

That's part of being an adult.

The Question We Rarely Ask

When we're consumed with preventing the next problem, there's another cost we may not notice.

The relationship.

How many arguments are happening because you're trying to prevent something that hasn't happened yet?

How much resentment is building?

How often does your parent feel managed rather than supported?

How much energy are you spending trying to get them to do what you believe they should do?

And perhaps most importantly:

How much of your relationship with your parent are you willing to sacrifice trying to prevent work that may be coming anyway?

That's not an argument for doing nothing.

It's an invitation to become much more discerning about what actually requires your intervention.

There Will Probably Be Another Hole

There isn't going to be a magical Tuesday when everything is finally handled.

Mom will never need anything else.

Dad will never change again.

Nothing unexpected will happen.

You can finally relax because you've successfully gotten ahead of aging.

That's simply not how this chapter works.

There will probably be another decision.

Another adjustment.

Another need.

Another loss.

Another hole in the jug.

And once we accept that, we can begin asking a different question.

Instead of:

How do I stop the next hole from appearing?

Try asking:

Who do I want to be when it does?

Can I respond to what's actually happening without trying to control everything that might happen?

Can I distinguish between something that's truly unsafe and something that's simply not the choice I would make?

Can I support my parent without automatically taking over?

Can I allow them to remain an adult for as long as they're capable of being one?

And can I become emotionally steady enough that every new problem doesn't feel like an emergency I have to fix immediately?

You cannot control your parent enough to stop aging.

But you can change the way you experience it.

And that can make this chapter very different.

When the Next Problem Appears

If supporting your aging parent is leaving you overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated or emotionally exhausted, I created a free Emotional Relief Guide for Adult Children of Aging Parents.

It will help you understand why seemingly ordinary moments with your parent can trigger such enormous emotional reactions, and you'll learn a simple practice for separating what's actually happening from everything your mind is adding to it.

Because there will always be another hole.

The goal isn't to make sure nothing ever leaks.

The goal is to become someone who knows what actually needs your attention, what doesn't, and how to stay steady enough to know the difference.

GET THE FREE EMOTIONAL RELIEF GUIDE