You Don’t Have to Pretend You’re Okay While Your Parent Is Aging

Someone asks how you’re doing. 

Maybe it’s a coworker in the hallway. A friend you haven’t talked to in a while. Your sister on the phone.

And almost automatically, you say:

“I’m fine.”

Meanwhile, you slept four hours last night.

You’re worried about your mom.

You’re frustrated with your dad.

Your siblings aren’t helping as much as you wish they would.

You’re trying to keep up with your own family, your work, your appointments, your life, and somewhere in the middle of all of it, you’re quietly wondering how long you can keep doing this.

But when someone asks how you are?

“I’m fine.”

There’s an interesting irony here.

When our aging parents tell us they’re fine, we often know better. We hear something in their voice. We notice what they’re not telling us. We wonder what might really be going on underneath those two little words.

And then someone asks us how we’re doing...

and we do exactly the same thing.

Why Do We Keep Saying “I’m Fine”?

Usually, you’re not trying to be dishonest.

Sometimes you’re protecting the other person. You don’t want to burden a friend or coworker with everything you’re carrying. The real answer feels too big to hand someone in the grocery store.

Sometimes you’re protecting yourself.

Because saying, “I’m overwhelmed and I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this,” makes it real.

What if you start crying?

What if saying it out loud opens something you’ve been working very hard to keep contained?

Sometimes you simply don’t have the words.

Supporting an aging parent can bring grief, fear, resentment, guilt, tenderness, anger, exhaustion and love—all at the same time.

Someone asks, “How are you?”

And the most truthful answer might be:

I don’t even know.

So “I’m fine” becomes easier.

But I think there’s another reason underneath all of these.

Maybe No One Ever Gave You Permission Not to Be Fine

Think about what happened when your parent began needing more help.

People probably asked about your parent.

“How’s your mom?”

“How’s your dad doing?”

“What did the doctor say?”

Maybe someone told you what a wonderful daughter or son you are.

But did anyone sit you down and say:

What you are about to go through may be incredibly difficult for you, too?

Did anyone tell you that grief, anger, resentment, fear and overwhelm are normal human responses to watching someone you love age?

Did anyone tell you that your well-being is part of the parent-care picture?

Probably not.

We’ve built an enormous infrastructure around the person who is aging or declining—doctors, hospitals, home health, hospice, government programs, senior living communities.

But there is far less built around the adult child trying to emotionally navigate all of it.

You’re often expected to somehow know how to do this.

So I want to give you permission now.

Your parent can be the one who is aging and this can still be hard for you.

Those two things can be true at the same time.

Your suffering doesn’t become irrelevant simply because someone you love is suffering more.

You Don’t Have to Tell Everyone Everything

Being honest doesn’t mean telling your entire story every time someone asks how you’re doing.

You certainly don’t need to have an emotional breakthrough with the barista at Starbucks.

There’s a lot of space between pretending everything is wonderful and telling someone every painful detail of your life.

You can simply tell one small truth.

Instead of “I’m fine,” you might say:

“I’m hanging in there. Some days are harder than others.”

Or:

“There’s a lot going on with my mom right now, and honestly, I’m pretty tired.”

Or, when you actually want someone to come closer:

“Things look okay on the surface, but it’s been really hard. Do you have a few minutes? I could actually use a friend today.”

You get to decide how much you share and with whom.

The goal isn’t complete disclosure.

It’s allowing yourself to stop performing strength you don’t actually feel.

And Sometimes You Need More Than Someone to Listen

There’s another place where adult children often get stuck.

We think we’re asking for help when we’re really venting.

You call your sister and tell her everything Dad did this week.

You explain the doctor’s appointment.

You tell her how exhausted you are.

You talk about the prescription that didn’t get filled, the argument about driving, the bill that arrived yesterday and how Dad refused to do the thing you’ve asked him to do fourteen times.

You hang up thinking:

I just told her I need help.

But did you?

You told her things are hard.

You told her there are problems.

You may have made it very clear that you’re overwhelmed.

But you never actually asked for help.

Those are two different things.

If you need help, let that be the focus of the conversation.

The details can come later.

Make the Ask Clear Enough That Someone Can Answer It

Before you call someone, ask yourself:

What do I actually need?

Not, “I need everyone to do more.”

What does more mean?

Maybe you need someone to stay with Mom on Saturday afternoon.

Maybe you need your brother to take over one medical appointment each month.

Maybe you need your siblings to contribute financially toward your parent’s care.

Maybe you don’t need anyone to fix anything at all. You need someone to sit with you and listen for twenty minutes.

Once you know, say it.

For example:

“I’m really struggling, and I need a little break. Could you take Mom on Saturday from 10 to 4 so I can have a few hours to myself?”

Or perhaps the issue is financial:

“Dad’s care is costing about $800 more a month than he can afford, and I can’t continue covering the difference myself. I need us to share this expense. Would you be able to contribute $200 a month toward Dad’s care?”

Notice what’s different.

There’s no guessing.

The other person knows exactly what you’re asking for and can actually respond to it.

Don’t Talk Yourself Out of the Help You Just Asked For

This can happen on both sides of an ask.

Before someone answers, you minimize it:

“I don’t know if this is a big deal, but if you ever happen to be free...”

And then, if they actually say yes, you immediately backpedal:

“Oh no, you don’t have to. I don't want to put you out.”

If you need help, let yourself need help.

Ask clearly.

And if someone says yes, allow their yes to stand.

“Thank you. That means so much.”

Full stop.

You don’t have to convince them that you don’t really need the thing you just found the courage to ask for.

One True Sentence

Saying “I’m fine” over and over may feel like strength.

But sometimes it simply keeps the people who care about you at a distance they don’t know how to cross.

You don’t have to suddenly become an open book.

You don’t have to tell everybody everything.

And you certainly don’t have to spend every conversation talking about how difficult supporting your parent has become.

Just start noticing the moments when “I’m fine” isn’t true.

And maybe, next time, replace it with one sentence that is.

“I’m tired.”

“This has been harder than I expected.”

“I could really use someone to talk to.”

Or perhaps:

“I need help.”

One true sentence is enough to start.

Because your parent may be the one who is aging. 

But you matter in this story, too.